It’s that time of year when networks are ordering pilots. This means tv writers are sitting around anxiously waiting to find out which scripts they’ll be viciously hate-reading.
This brings us nicely to the latest Weekly Procrastination.
People like to say, “I bet your mom is so excited to be a grandmother. What did she do when she found out you were having a baby?”
“Oh. She immediately put her house on the market.”
And they laugh. They laugh and laugh. “That would be so funny,” they chuckle.
I don’t say anything. I don’t have to. You can see it in my face, my tired eyes, my worried hair.
Their laughter fades away. They whisper, “Oh, you weren’t kidding.”
[WARNING: This story is not for the squeamish.]
Please don’t think you’re running out of time once you’ve finished the first draft. There’s nothing worse than wishing you’d spent an extra six months on something to polish it because it just wasn’t ready to go out there, but you sent it and it got rejected and now you’re kicking yourself because you’ve blown your best connections for that particular piece of work. Be excited that you’re past the agony of the first draft and into the obsessive part of editing, of deciding where to take your novel on its first date, its second date, if you want it to do a little online dating, or if you’re going to put it on a shelf for a little while so you can work on something else you think is a better representation of you at the start. Just because it’s seen the words THE END means you have to try to market it. You are not running out of time.
Even if it’s about vampires. Apparently those things really are immortal.
Do men get that? Do you get told, “It’s cute!” when you’re done speaking? Because I get it, even when I’m talking about sad things or nasty things or raunchy things. “So cute.” Like I want my scripts and my party dresses to be judged under the same criteria. Like I’d just held up a pair of shoes. “Cute! CUTENESS! I WANT TO PUT IT IN MY MOUTH LIKE IT’S MADE OF BABY TOES!”
It breaks my heart.
“Please promise me one thing. If you have found your own [lifelong best friend/sister/cohort], and if she’s by your side when you stand up there in front of all those people, make sure she knows [your dad] is the only one who is giving you away. Not her. Find a way to tell her she had you before you were in love and she’ll always have you, no matter what people try to put between you.”
You Take it From Here by Pamela Ribon
[you guys, can we talk for a second about how awesome pam is? this book is like a nicholas sparks story, except about best friends and also AWESOME. i know a lot of people hate the term “chick lit” but i happen to be a fan of it, so whatever. pamela ribon writes incredible chick lit, filled with incredible women. the relationships in this book are so real and strong and nuanced, because pam writes women who are real and strong and nuanced. i have so many feelings about platonic relationships and where they stand with romantic relationships, and pam’s books just hit all of those buttons for me.
anyway, i loved this book. the framing device added interest to the story and kept some mystery in what is otherwise a pretty straightforward plot. all of danny’s relationships were interesting, especially when compared to The Relationship, the one she had with smidge. and the whole thing is heartbreaking and cathartic and funny and, at times, a bit too real.]
I first thought up the idea for this novel when I was on an airplane. My first set of scribbled notes has the telltale signs of a bumpy flight. I work well on airplanes – trapped in a tiny seat, facing forward, usually no Internet, trapped with strangers and questionable food choices. I find the words come freely the more uncomfortable my situation. (This also explains why I enjoy working in television.) A friend of mine does an impression of me in what she calls my “writing stance” – doubled over at the edge of the couch in a protective hunch, attacking the keyboard in an attempt to get the words out before I pee myself. That is exactly what I’m doing when I’m at my most inspired.
3. If he’s got a girlfriend, you need to stop trying to be so great of a best friend to him.
This isn’t a romantic comedy; this isn’t how you’re going to find a soul mate. This is a recipe for disaster. Either you are going to fall in (what you think is) love and waste months upon months waiting for this guy to feel the same way about you, or he is going to keep using you as his girlfriend Fairy Godmother, who keeps making him a better boyfriend by telling him how you wish he felt about you. Also, his actual girlfriend? Hates you so much right now. Not to mention, all that time she’s got on her hands because you’re off with her boyfriend? Right now she’s using it to make everyone else hate you just as much as she does. Go find some nice girls to hang out with until you find a cute, single boy who wants to play video games with you and only you.